Self-loathing
by Randomness-Is-My-Specialty
Summary: Kendall's life seems to turn upside down in a blink of an eye. And he's just not sure how to cope with the suddenness of it all. "I don't know what to do." Has become his life's motto. Kames/Jarlos
1. Chapter 1

Author Note:

Random: Hey!

Hikaru: We know what all of you are thinking!

Kaoru: Why is she starting ANOTHER story when she has like three other stories out and unfinished?

Random: Well, it's because Where It Began is coming to an end. So I figured I would just put this out there to see how all you like it! I don't think I'll continue this until I'm finished with Where It Began so it's on hiatus till then. :)

Hikaru: WARNINGS: Self inflicted pain, sadness, self hate, language, more sadness. Very sad fic...

Kaoru: DISCLAIMER: Random does not own the BTR boys!

Random: I honestly have no idea where this came from. So yeah...enjoy! And tell me what you think in a review! If you like it I might add another chapter sooner.

* * *

Kendall seriously didn't want to be here. You're probably wondering why. Well, it's because James and Carlos were sharing the same lounge chair and were currently sucking each others' face off. Now you're probably wondering why Kendall wouldn't want to be there. That one was easy. He was in love with James. So now, the question is, why would James be flaunting his relationship with Carlos in front of Kendall if he knew that? Thing is, no one knew that little piece of information.

So, here he was, lounging around the Palms Woods pool, wanting nothing more than to find a razor and end it all.

Yup. That's what it seemed to have come to.

It hadn't started that way. At first, Kendall'd been perfectly fine with loving James from afar, because he thought he had no chance, James was straight. He would get over it eventually. But then, James and Carlos had decided to come out together and tell everyone that they had been dating for the better part of three months.

That was the first blow.

Can you imagine how much it hurt to find out that the best friend you've been in love with for over two years, was in fact gay too and dating another one of your best friends? That you had a chance, but realize that if he'd liked you back, you'd be the one coming out with him? James didn't want him. Even when Kendall did have a chance, James would have still not have wanted him. Now in all fairness, no one knew that Kendall wanted James, but no one knew that Carlos had wanted James either. So really, it still was the same. James didn't want him period. And that hurt, more then he can possibly describe.

When they came out, he'd acted supportive and understanding, gave them the normal 'You're still the same person' speech. When really all he wanted to do was burst into heart wrenching sobs, but Kendall Knight didn't do that. He was strong, showed no weakness, didn't burden others with his problems, so he locked those feelings away and smiled. Because honestly, he was happy for them, he wanted them to be happy, even if it prevented him from being happy too. His mom was supportive too, giving the ol' 'I'll always love you like a son' speech and topping it off with a hug and kiss to the forehead.

Then came the second blow.

He'd decided, since James and Carlos came out and his mom had taken it so well, that he would come out as well. And that's what he did two day's later. Although, he didn't want to tell his mom the same time he told the guys and Katie. It was his mom, she should know first. He sat her down and told her, but instead of the loving supportive mother James and Carlos got he got a 'Did James and Carlos influence this?'. He'd been utterly confused, explaining to her that he'd known it since the seventh grade (leaving out the part that he was deeply in love with James) and Carlos and James had nothing to do with it (which was true, he learned he was gay, before he learned he was in love with James).

She'd stared at him blankly, then turned away and said the words that started the downward spiral of his life. "You are no longer my son. You're dead to me. I'm not going to kick you out, but I will no longer acknowledge you are even here. Good bye Kendall." And she walked out without a backward glance. Apparently it was okay, as long as it wasn't her son.

He'd wanted to cry then too, but he didn't. 'Cause that's not what he does. But recently, he wasn't sure who he was anymore.

The final blow was when he realized he had no one to talk to.

His mom wanted nothing to do with him, Logan was wrapped up in Camille, James was wrapped up in Carlos and Carlos wrapped up in James, Katie was too young, and Jo…he didn't even know anymore. She'd changed since the move back. She wasn't the Jo that left three years ago. He had truly loved her and probably would have been able to live a happy life with her, but not anymore.

You're probably thinking, why doesn't he just tell the guys anyway? Well like he said before. Logan was wrapped up in Camille. Nothing could faze that. And if he told James and Carlos, he just _knew_ he'd mess up and spill that he was in love with James. And that could pan out in very different directions.

One: James likes him back. Consequences: He loses Carlos.

Two: James completely rejects him, but is okay with it. Consequences: Awkward friendship with both Carlos and James. And in his current state of mind, the rejection would kill him.

Three: James completely rejects and hates him. Consequences: He loses both and it'd kill him.

Four: James likes him, Carlos is fine with it. Consequences: James getting shunned by his mom. He doesn't want to put James through that pain. It would be the equivalent of losing a parent.

Five: James rejects him and hates him, Carlos gets mad at James for breaking his heart and they break up. Consequences: He loses James.

So yeah, he's pretty much fucked. And after realizing all of this, he went to the only thing he could think of to end the pain

His razor.

He's used it before. When his dad was around to personally torture him. Which, if he thinks about it, was probably the first blow, but whatever, he was fucked up. He'd also taken to going to gay bars and finding the nearest hot guy (or girl, if they were both drunk enough) to fuck.

Okay let's recap! He had been abused by his father when he was younger, he was gay and in love with his best friend, said best friend was dating/in love (he wasn't quite sure on that one, never stuck around long enough to know if they've said it to each other) with his other best friend, his mother hated him, he was cheating on his girlfriend with random dudes at a gay bar, he cut, he probably had signs of a beginning alcoholic, and to top it all off, he couldn't tell anyone. And not once has he cried.

He didn't need a therapist to know that he was fucked beyond repair.

He got up suddenly, knocking over James' blue smoothie as he did.

"Dude!" James yelled, picking up what was left in the cup.

"Sorry." Kendall mumbled. He walked away without another glance at James and Carlos and headed to the BTR mobile. Before he made it out of the lobby and to the parking lot, he took out his razor that he kept in his wallet and headed to the lobby bathroom. He quickly checked the stalls and locked the door. He walked over to the sink and took off the bracelets that covered his wrists, reveling bandage underneath. He took them off carefully, planning to use them after he was done, they where fresh from this morning and none of the cuts from yesterday had broken, so they where clean. He brought the razor to one wrist and cut into the still healing flesh. He hissed in a mixture of pain and pleasure, the pain in his heart seemed to lighten somewhat. He made another mark on the same wrist, then set the razor down and watched as the bright red liquid flowed out of the cut and onto the sink. Letting the numbing feeling wash over him.

He smiled sadly, quickly cleaning the cuts and the razor. He replaced the bandage and the razor and walked back out to the car. As he drove he thought about the first time he had cut. It was from the pain of knowing that he didn't have a father that loved him. He chuckled bitterly, that didn't matter anymore. He realized long ago, that he didn't need the man in his life anyway.

But now, he thought as he pulled up and parked at the deserted beach, cutting the engine and looking out over the ocean from his car, that pain doesn't compare to what he felt now. His mother hated him, James would never want nor love him, Carlos would hate him eventually for being in love with James, Logan didn't care about him, Katie probably would hate him too, Jo flat out used him. Nothing could compare to feeling of pain that overwhelmed him now.

And finally, he let himself cry.


	2. Chapter 2

Author Note:

Random: Hello Helloooo! Happy Halloweeeeen! I hope you all get truck loads of CANDY!

Hikaru: Kaoru and I are going as the Cheshire Cat!

Kaoru: What! I thought we were doing something different. What happened to you being James, Random as Kendall, me as Carlos, and I talked Kyouya into going as Logan!

Random: That wouldn't work! One I'm not blonde, two I don't own anything plaid-

Kaoru: You have that one with the lace shoulders.

Random: ...It's black and has lace...on the shoulders. Kendall doesn't where stuff like that...and DAMN IT! You gave me a story idea. I hate you...

Kaoru: But I wanted to go as Carlos so I could force Kyouya to act out Cargan moments!

Hikaru: But then that would leave me and Random for Kames moments...NO! I am not going to let her be my Kendall!

Random: And like I want you to be my James. *Sarcastic eye roll* OH! I know I'll get Tamaki to be Kendall! Would you like that Hikaru? Act out Kames moments with Tamaki?

Hikaru: *Blush* NO! That's worse! I'd rather have you.

Random: Tamakiiiiii! I have a costume idea for yooooouuuuuuu! *Dodges Shoe when Hikaru threw it at her*

Kaoru: *Snickering* But who would you be Random?

Random: Captain Jack Sparrow.

Twins: Right...should have guessed.

Hikaru: WARNINGS: Self-harm, sadness, language, depressing thoughts, hating Mama Knight, hating James and Carlos and Logan, hating the world for doing this to Kendall, hating Random for thinking up these things that happen to Kendall. Yeah...

Kaoru: DISCLAIMER: Random does not own BTR...they'd probably be used as personal sex slaves if they did...

Random: OKAY! So thank you for all that reviews/faved/alerted! You all are amazing! And to Jar for beta-ing! So I don't know where this story came from and honest yo goodness it is ripping my heart in tini tiny little pieces to do this to Kendall! ENJOY!

* * *

Kendall stumbled into his and James' room later that night. He wasn't drunk. He just drank enough to help him forget and find a hot guy to fuck. It's not like anyone cared. He'd received no text massages or calls from any of his friends. His mom he knew didn't give a flying fuck anymore so he didn't expect one from her, but he had hoped to get one from any of his so called best friends. He groaned when his knee hit the side of the door as it opened.

"Kendall?" Crap, James was up.

"Hey, yeah. Sorry, I woke you up." He said, trying to feel his way through the dark. He heard shuffling and suddenly light flooded the room. He cringed as it made his head throb painfully, maybe he drank a little more than he thought.

"Where were you? It's almost one in the morni-is that a hickey?"

Kendall's hand flew to his neck automatically. "I was with Jo." He lied easily…wait maybe it wasn't completely a lie. He thinks the guy that was ramming into him earlier was named Jo…or was it Richard?

"That's bull…Are you drunk?" James gasped.

Kendall growled, more at his shirt when it wouldn't come off, than at James. "What? Is it pry into Kendall's business day?" He asked, chucking the shirt to a random place in the room and working on his pants.

James frowned. "No…I was just worried. So was your mom."

Kendall couldn't help but laugh bitterly at that. "Yeah right." It figures that she would act worried so no one would grow suspicious. He succeeded in taking the rest of his cloths of, excluding his underwear. He went over and crawled into his bed. "Don't worry about it James. I'm fine. Go back to sleep." He sighed as the cool sheets soothed his aching and battered body, falling asleep almost instantly.

James' frown deepened. He watch the blond sleep for a little while, before turning the light off and laying back down. His worry about Kendall never leaving him, even as he drifted back to sleep.

* * *

Kendall groaned loudly as he woke up, his head didn't hurt that bad, but it still hurt. He flopped on his back and ran a hand through his hair. Ugh he needed a shower. He threw his covers off and swung his legs over the side of the bed, taking note that James wasn't in the other bed. It's not like he would be anyway. He had a _boyfriend_ to wake up early for.

Kendall grumbled at his own thought. Making his way to the bathroom, he closed the door and sighed. He knew he was depressed. It was an easy enough thing to identify. But he just…didn't know what to do about it. He wasn't going to kill himself. Despite being constantly tired of the sadness, grief, and self loathing, he doesn't. He couldn't do that to Katie or the guys, because they didn't know what was going on and it wouldn't be fair. But he was sick of it, the pain he constantly felt in his chest. He was sick of the persistent burn in his arms and the twitch in his fingers when he needed to cut. It was slowly driving him crazy.

He held back a sob as he pushed himself off the door. He turned the shower on and went back to the sink. He opened the mirror and grabbed the razor hidden behind medicine bottles and James' hair products, also grabbing pain killers to take for his headache. He took the pain killers dry and then grabbed the razor. He took off the used bandages and threw them away. He looked down at his marred skin and sighed, one arm had too many cuts. He switched hands and brought the razor to his other wrist, he felt almost relieved as the pain washed over him, clearing his head. He pulled the razor over his arm a few more time, before cleaning the razor and putting it back and stepped into the shower, hissing as the water cleaned the wound.

He washed quickly, bandaged his cuts, and dressed. He ruffled his wet hair as he walked out to the living room and felt his heart squeeze tightly at what he saw. James and Carlos were making out heavily on the couch. "Boys. You know I don't mind you showing affection for each other, but tune it down." His mother said from the kitchen.

Carlos and James, pulled apart, blushing madly. "Sorry, Mama Knight." They mumbled.

She smiled at them. "It's alright, boys. I'm happy your comfortable with who you are."

Kendall felt tears prick the back of his eyes. Why couldn't she be like that with him? Why could she accept them but not him, her own son? He shook his head and blinked back the tears. Whatever, he didn't care anymore. Walking over to the kitchen, he made himself a bowl of cereal (His mom never cooked for him anymore so he had to either make his own food or go without, usually the latter) and sat next to Logan, who was engrossed in a book. He ate quietly, watching as James and Carlos joined them at the table and started to chat around him. He felt so out of place. He felt like he didn't even know his friends anymore.

Well, he didn't know himself anymore either, so he guessed not knowing your friends anymore also comes with the self loathing package.

He looked down at his cereal, playing with the contents inside. He wasn't really that hungry. "Kendall?" Logan said, knocking him out of his daze.

"W-What?" He asked head shooting up.

"You okay?" He asked raising a eyebrow. Kendall had to force himself to not roll his eyes. Like he cared.

"Yeah, fine. Just tired." He said, faking a smile.

Logan opened his mouth but was interrupted by his phone vibrating. Kendall knew immediately that it was Camille by the way his eyes light up. And like every time Camille does anything, Logan is now deaf to everything but to whatever Camille is doing. Kendall frowned and quickly got up, putting his dish in the sink and heading to the door.

"Where are you going?" James asked. Kendall sighed. What was with the sudden interest in his life? He never cared before. "We need to be at Rocque Records in an hour." And there it was. Caring about their careers more than they cared about him.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'll be there." He said without turning around. He opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind him.

* * *

"WHERE IS HE!?" Gustavo screamed.

The three boys sighed. "We don't know."

"How could you not know! Isn't he the leader…or something?"

"Yeah, I don't see how that has to do with anything."

"The leader stays with the pack!" Gustavo yelled.

They sighed and sat on the couch, James pulling Carlos closer as he spoke. "I'm sure he'll be here any second. Be pat-" A loud crash cut him off.

"Shit. Gustavo! I broke one of the guitars on the wall!" Kendall yelled, coming around the corner holding said guitar. "Why is it on the wall anyway? They're built to be played, not set out for decoration."

The three boy's on the couch saw Gustavo twitch. "Harmonies! 2 hours! NOW!"

Kendall shrugged, dropping the guitar and heading to the sound booth. "Whatever." Four mouths dropped simultaneously. Did Kendall just…obey?

Kelly walked in, looking at her black berry, then looked up and stopped. "Did…I…miss something?"

Gustavo snapped out of it. "Just my amazing, dog training skills! Rest of you! MUSH!"

They scrambled to the recording booth, finding Kendall texting someone on his phone. James frowned, glancing over at Carlos, who caught his eye and nodded over to Kendall. Good he noticed it too.

James had noticed recently that Kendall's demeanor had changed. It seemed darker. And Kendall's habits have changed too. He spent more time in the bathroom, ate less (James noticed that yesterday night), was quieter, stayed out longer only to come home smelling of alcohol and sex, and like just a minute ago, he didn't fight back against Gustavo much anymore. He was changing. And he didn't know why.

What was happening to his Kendall?


	3. Chapter 3

Author Note:

Random: HELLLLLOOOO! ...I lost my train of thought...

Hiakru: ...Anyway! We are sorry this is so late! Actually we're sorry it's taking so long to update any of our stories.

Kaoru: Yup. School has been a bitch for Random.

Random: Yeah...although I recently got a offer for a full ride at a university in my state! So I'm happy! It's insane! I keep getting these letters form colleges, when I haven't even applied to them. It's a huge weight off my shoulder to know that colleges actually wan me. You have no idea...that's really the reason I'm able to write at all right now.

Hikaru: WARNINGS: Thoughts of depression, eating disorders, sexual situations. Sadness galore...not really a good chapter.

Kaoru: DISCLAIMER: NO SHE DOES NOT OWN! NEVER WILL!

Random: Okay, so! That's really it. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews/favs/alerts and thanks to Jeremy for beta-ing as always...I think that's all! ENJOY!

* * *

Kendall immediately walked out of the sound booth as soon as Gustavo let them. Being that close to James was seriously messing with his mind and body. He quickly walked to the bathroom and into an open stall. Locking the door behind him, he lowered the lid and sat on the toilet. He just needed some time to calm down and focus on not throwing up. He wasn't anorexic or had any eating disorders, (seemed like the only thing _not _wrong with him) but because he had eaten breakfast this morning when his body wasn't used to eating this early, along with watching James and Carlos making googly eyes at each other, had made him sick to his stomach.

He took deep, calming breaths, forcing his stomach to stay were it was. Just because he didn't have an eating disorder, didn't mean he didn't have troubled keeping the food down. When his mom disowned him, she also stopped cooking for him, only making enough to feed the guys, Katie, and herself. He ate very little during dinner, so the others would have plenty, then he only ate during dinner so no one would get suspicious. He'd never really learned to cook, and when he did, he was terrible at it, so sometimes dinner was the only meal he ate. And then that was only a little, not enough for a growing teenage boy. So like he said, when he ate breakfast today his body wasn't used to getting more than one helping of food, if that, a day. It had trouble digesting the new food. Okay so maybe he did have an eating disorder, but it wasn't of his own doing or because he thought himself fat and/or ugly, he just didn't get to eat like he normally should, and when he did it was little.

So right now he was having trouble keeping his food down.

The door to the bathroom opened and he froze. "Kendall?" He heard James call. Shit. Why was James looking for him all the sudden? He never even noticed (or cared) when he disappeared to the bathroom before.

"Yeah?" He croaked.

"Are you okay?" Why the sudden worry? Is what he really wanted to say, but then he'd give himself away.

"Yeah. Just an upset stomach. I'll be fine." He said. Hey, that was the actual truth! First time he told James something completely true in months.

"Oh…Do you ne-"

"James! I need you!" Carlos yelled, cutting off James mid sentence. There was a thud when the door to the bathroom hit the wall and then another thud as something hit the door to his stall.

Kendall looked down and saw James and Carlos' shoes. From the positions, it looked like Carlos had slammed James against the door and was most likely engaging him in a fierce kiss.

Kendall pulled his legs to his chest. Where they really going to do that with him right behind the door? A loud moan echoed through the room and in his head. It came from James. Kendall buried his head between his knees.

He didn't want to here this. Was the universe so against him, that it would force him to hear his best friend and secret love have sex against a door right in fucking front of him?

The moans from James were making his body react and breaking his already shattered heart. He wanted to cry again. James and Carlos were one of the main causes of his pain and they where about to rub their happiness in his face.

He wished he had his razor. The pain would not only distract him, but help the pain that felt like it was ripping his heart out fade, if only for a moment. But, for some odd reason, he left it at the apartment.

They both moaned this time and Kendall whimpered quietly. James had just been talking to him, he knew he was there. Kendall's shoulders shook with suppressed sobs and his eyes squeezed shut to force the tears back. He was right fucking here! Right behind the damned door! They'd not even bothered to make sure that they were alone, James even _knew _they weren't fucking alone.

Kendall got up, suddenly angry. He wasn't going to sit there and listen to the fucking happy-go-luck-the-world-is-sunshine's-and-rainbows couple fuck against a fucking bathroom fucking door!

He pushed against the door, but of course it didn't move. The damned fuck bunny assholes that are his supposed best friends where about to fuck against it. Now he was pissed beyond thinking limit.

He growled. "Guys, I'm right here."

He heard a squeak and the door flew open, to reveal a sheepish looking James and a confused looking Carlos. "Sorry, dude. Forgot you were there." James laughed nervously.

And just like that, with that one simple sentence, all his anger was gone, replaced by the deep depression he's been in for months. But now he had the words '_Forgot you were there' _to add on to it. Of course he did, because no one cared.

Kendall averted his eyes and walked past. "S'Fine." He mumbled. "I'll distract Gustavo so you can finish. H-Have fun." He said, mentally slapping himself for letting his voice waver. Hopefully they didn't hear it.

"Kendall…is there something wrong?" They said, in perfect sync. They all used to be like that, in perfect sync, but now he was the outcast. He didn't know them or himself any more.

Kendall turned around and smiled. "Yeah…just annoyed about dealing with Gustavo. I'll hold him off as long as I can, so make it quick." And he would, because despite the self-loathing and hatred they seem to cause him, he never blamed them for it. When it came down to it, it wasn't their fault. He was screwed up to begin with.

With one last forced smile he left the bathroom to do as he said, missing the concerned looks James and Carlos gave each other as he left.

* * *

Random: Yup...that just happened. Am I making this to over the top? I'm not really good a t writing angst and I just don't feel like I'm doing a good job on this story.

Hikaru: You're a terrible person.

Random: *Glare* I do this because I love him!

Kaoru: *Sighs* And there they go.

Random and Hikaru: *Starts bickering*

Kaoru: Yeah so she's really insecure about this story. And it breaks here heart to write this. So it's be wonderful if you reviewed and told her how much you hate it! Because she is a terrible person for putting Kendy threw this.

Random: *Has Hikaru in head lock* Okay maybe I am...but...I don't know. Review pwease?

Random and Twins: Until next time! Peaceness!


	4. Chapter 4

Author Note:

Random: What's uuuuuuup?! I'm here with an update! I know I suck, but you guys already know this! :)

Hikaru: I don't know why you keep writing...

Random: Shut up Hikaru...

Kaoru: WARNINGS: Depressing stuff and a surprise that will probably make you cry a the end...

Hikaru: DISCLAIMER: WE DO NOT OWN BTR! Just the plot.

Random: So thank you to all that Reviewed/faved/alerted and Thanks to Jeremy for betaing! Now without farther ado! ENJOY! And review please! Reviews make think up idea's for the next chapter!

* * *

Finally Gustavo let them leave for the day. Kendall had done what he said he would and distracted Gustavo but landed him with an extra two hours of dance rehearsal.

"We're really sorry, man." Carlos apologized for the millionth time, looking at Kendall with guilty, sorry eyes. "We shouldn't have let you cover for us."

Kendall smiled at the Latino. A part of him hated Carlos, but even though it was an incredibly small part of him. He didn't blame Carlos for falling for James and James falling for Carlos, it wasn't their faults. Just like it wasn't Kendall's for falling for the same pretty boy Carlos fell for. But that didn't stop the violent flip of his stomach when James wrapped an arm around Carlos' shoulders. "Don't worry about it 'Los."

"But-" Carlos started, but James cut him off.

"Come on Carlos. We don't want to get Gustavo angry and we all get extra rehearsal hours. We'll see you later Ken." He said, clapping Kendall on the shoulder with his free hand. He gave Kendall one last smile before leading Carlos out the recording studio.

Kendall watched them leave with a heavy heart. He'd never get used to watching those two together. He could barley stand watching Logan fawn over Camille and that was just because Logan had someone and Kendall didn't. Speaking of which, Logan didn't even give him a good bye before leaving to meet with Camille for a date. He sighed as the familiar feeling of heart break and hopelessness flooded through him, making his wrist itch and fingers twitch for the blade he left at home.

He walked into Gustavo's office after regaining control over his emotions, so Gustavo could see that he didn't bail. "I'm heading to the dance studio now." He said softly.

Gustavo grunted dismissively. Kendall turned back around to walk out of the room. "Kendall." Gustavo said suddenly, stopping Kendall dead in his tracks. The blond had never heard Gustavo's voice like that, concerned, worried, and something else that he couldn't just place. "I'm only going to give you an hour. I know you covered for Carlos and James. You did still aggravate me, but…" He trailed off. "Are you okay?"

Kendall didn't turn around, because if he did, he's sure Gustavo would see something he didn't want him to see. So instead, he just nodded and exited the room to head to the dance studio.

* * *

Kendall collapsed on the orange couch face first with a relieved sigh. He was exhausted, hungry, and sore. But he couldn't do anything about it. His mom never bought enough groceries for him anymore. And he was too sore to get up…maybe he could fall asleep on the couch.

He hated this.

Always being hungry, always hurting, always in pain. But again, he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't leave because that would come with questions he didn't want or was ready to answer. And he already said he wasn't going to kill himself. So he was stuck.

Fucking fantastic.

"Kendall? What are you doing here? Don't you have, like, another hour?" Came James' voice. Well fuck. The last person he wanted to see.

He turned his head so he could speak. "Yeah, Gustavo had mercy on me. Decided to only give me an hour. Doesn't matter though, still sore as fuck." Kendall groaned.

He heard James laugh. The sound making his traitorous heart swell. "I bet!" He heard shuffling and James' feet appeared in his line of vision. "Want a massage?"

And damn it! Why?! Just…why? "N-No!" He squeaked, then cleared his throat. "I mean, I'm fine James. I don't need one."

Suddenly James' weight was on him. The brunet straddled his waist, sitting down on the back of Kendall's thighs. "Yeah right! You can barley move." James stated matter-of-factly.

"I can too!" Kendall protested, moving his arms under himself to push up, but his muscles screamed in protest. "Okay, maybe not…but that doesn't mean I need a massage!"

He felt and heard James chuckle, the brunets hands starting to smooth over Kendall's back and shoulders. "Thought so. And get over it! I'm giving you a massage!" He said beginning to work Kendall's back.

Kendall's protest came out as an embarrassingly loud moan as his back began to relax. James' hand were amazing. He had this weird knack for massages, coupled with classes James voluntarily took to perfect it, he could make anyone putty in his hands. Kendall was no exception. The only thing, though, Kendall was in love with James.

James was so close and his hands were roaming almost all over his body. This was a bad, bad, bad, _bad_, idea. That being confirmed by the growing problem between his legs. But again James' hands where _amazing_, so he wasn't really in the right state of mind to care at the moment. It's been too long since the pain was almost nonexistent. And it felt _wonderful._

He couldn't stop the string of grateful, pleasured moans from spilling from his mouth. His half hard member making itself known when James pushed down on his hips, involuntarily pressing Kendall's erection against the couch harder. The blond bit his lip, to keep that particular moan of pleasure from coming out.

He gripped onto the side of the couch slightly. Whatever James was doing was causing his hips to repeatedly rub against the couch. He bit his lip harder, forcing himself not to buck into the couch for more friction. "Damn, Kendall. You're lower back is so tense." James commented. Kendall just grunted. He was torn between never wanting this to end and dieing from embarrassment. "This is going to hurt." James whispered right before pain shot up his spin.

"_Oh fuck._" Kendall gasped, head thrown back. The pain that shot through him was both painful and pleasurable. He bucked forward and his dick throbbed. So he was a masochist…it really didn't surprise him. Luckily James just took the action as a flinch of pain.

"Sorry." James said, massaging the reaming pain away. Kendall just nodded, not trusting his voice. He was now propped up in his elbow with his forehead between. He concentrated on trying to get his damn hard dick to go away. Which was hard when it kept getting rubbed against the couch.

Suddenly there was a chuckle. "Should I be jealous?" Came an amused voice. He felt James shift slightly, but never removed his hands form his body.

"No, it's your fault Kendall's like this to begin with. Think of it like pay back." He heard James say.

There was a pause as Carlos walked closer. "My fault?"

"Yeah, if you hadn't jumped me in the bathroom, Kendall wouldn't have had to cover for us." James said flatly.

Carlos gasped in offense. "I did not jump you!"

Kendall gritted his teeth. Did they always have to do this with him in the room? It was like they were trying to torture him. Well at least his erection was softening.

SMACK.

And it's back. Yup, defiantly a masochist. Just fantastic. Fucking fantastic.

He hated his life, so much.

"Kendall! I asked you a question!" James scolded.

Kendall forced back his moan when James slapped his ass and forced himself to talk. "W-What?"

He heard James sigh and Carlos chuckle. "I asked if you felt any better."

"Oh, yeah. Lots. Thanks. I think I can move again. Did you really have to smack me?" He asked. His dick throbbed when James hand slapped his ass again. Just the constant rubbing and James smacking him had him at the edge.

"Yup!" He felt James get off him and he felt disappointed wash through him. "Welp! That should do it! Consider that a thanks for helping Carlos and I out." James said.

"Come on, James. He looks tired." He heard this sucking sound, heart sinking when he recognized it as kissing. "Lets go to my room." Carlos said huskily.

Either James was whisked off before he could reply or James just hurried off to the room with out a reply, because soon he was alone with a painfully hard erection. He bit back a groan when he shifted and it rubbed against the couch again. It felt so good and suddenly he was imagining James was under him rather than the couch.

He bit his lips and rocked his hips slowly against the cushion. He imagined he was grinding into James' dick. That James was moaning beneath his name and not Carlos'. His rocking became faster, rubbing his throbbing cock against the couch harder. He gasped and moaned quietly, hands fisting his own hair his hips moving faster and faster, until he was dry humping the couch and the image of James. He shook from the pleasure as it coursed through him, biting his lip as he rocked. His member throbbed with want and he spread his legs wider for better leverage.

Suddenly he shuddered violently. Spilling his seed into his pants, with a quite moan of James' name. Tears slipped out of his eyes and slid down his cheeks, as he came down from his high, until he was sobbing.

He was so far gone.

He was lost.

He was broken.

And the one person that could save him, didn't even care.

He was so fucked.


	5. Chapter 5

Author Note:

Random: Yay! New chapter!

Hikaru: And something happens!

Kaoru: It's rather exciting, if I do say so myself.

Random: Yup, now do the warnings and stop stalling them.

Hikaru: We aren't purposely keeping them from reading this chapter! I'm hurt you would imply that!

Kaoru: *Eyes welling* She is so cruel Hika!

Hikaru & Koaru: *Crying dramatically* SHE DOESN'T"T LOVE US!

Random: Oh shut up and do as I say.

Hikaru: *Sober* Fine bossy. Ruin our fun...WARNINGS: Mentions of sex, language. I think that is it...

Kaoru: DISCLAIMER: She still doesn't own...I don't know why she just doesn't ask us for the money to buy them.

Random: Because you would hold it over my head forever and I would never get to enjoy owning the boys.

Hikaru: Hey! We'd just want a taste too.

Random: Sure! Just not while I'm 'Tasting' them.

Kaoru & Hikaru: Killjoy...

Random: So here it is ad thank you to all that took the time to review! And of course to Jeremy for beating! Enjoy this chapter and REVIEW PLEASE! I must know what you think!

* * *

It's been about a week since Kendall covered for James and Carlos and got the extra hour of dance, resulting in a massage from James. Currently, James was cuddled up with Carlos on the couch. One arm slung over the edge as the Latino rested against him. Kendall was out doing God-knows-what and Logan was out with Camille, like always.

James was staring at the pictures on the T.V, but not comprehending what was on. He'd found himself thinking more about Kendall. He was pretty sure something was wrong. But he just…he didn't know.

"Hey Carlos?" He called.

"Yeah?" Carlos asked tiredly. He'd been two seconds away from falling asleep.

"Have you…" James stopped to bit his lower lip, "noticed…anything lately?"

"Mmm? Like what?"

"Like…how skinny Kendall's gotten?"

Carlos sat up and thought for a moment, shaking his head and looking at James. "Kendall's always been skinny."

"Yeah, but…he just looks more so."

The Latino sighed and thought more, deciding if he wanted to relax he had to please James first. Before he could think more into it though, Logan burst through the door. "Hey mi amigo's." He smiled.

"Hey! How was your date?" Carlos asked excitedly.

The smart boy grinned, sitting down next to the couple. "Great! We just hung out by the pool and relaxed."

"Was Kendall down there?" James interjected.

Logan shook his head, arm lifting to scratch at his neck. "No, just Jo. Practicing with Jett."

James felt Carlos stiffen and leaned over to place a kiss to his temple. He relaxed again and James pulled him closer. "Well, do you have any idea where he is?"

The smaller brunet opened his mouth then closed it again, looking confused. "No…I don't…weird. I usually know where he is."

James felt his heart clench and he pulled Carlos even closer. "Well, have you noticed anything different about him lately?"

"Like what?" Logan asked causing James to sigh. He was starting to realize that they weren't paying close enough attention to Kendall anymore.

"Never mind." He sighed.

Logan opened his mouth to ask why, when the door was thrown open and Kendall stumbled in…engaged in a make out session…with a guy.

The dude Kendall was currently letting kiss him, closed the door back shut then slammed Kendall against it hard. The blond didn't even seem to know that his three best friends were there. Kendall had his hands buried in the guys hair and his legs wrapped around his waist as the stranger kissed down Kendall's exposed neck.

James' mouth hung open, along with his other two friends. Kendall…Kendall, their supposed _straight_ best friend, was kissing another dude. He was kissing another guy…he was fucking _making out _with another _male_. As in the same sex. As in not a girl. As in not _Jo_! Wasn't he with Jo? Since when was he gay? or Bi or what-the fuck-ever? How could he not know Kendall was into guys? What in the fucking _universe _is happening?!

"Kendall?" James jumped at Carlos' surprisingly steady voice.

Kendall and the guy pressed against him stopped. Kendall's eyes opened and focused on the three on the couch over the dudes shoulder. The man holding Kendall up, turned to slightly to look too.

"Who're they, babe?" The stranger asked, voice rough with arousal. He was a well built man a little older then themselves, with brown hair and dark blue eyes.

"M-My friends." Kendall answered.

The new guy hummed against Kendall's neck, going back to licking and sucking at the pale skin. "Where's your room?" Completely ignoring, Kendall's friends.

"Down the hall. First door to the right." Kendall partially purred into the guys ear.

The brunet man pushed off the wall, hands holding Kendall's thighs to keep him up, and walked into the room he was directed.

It was silent for a total of two seconds, before James exploded. "What the hell?!" He screamed. "He just ignored us! What the hell! He walks in here lip locked with a fucking _dude_ and he just ignores us! Since when is he into guys? What the fuck happened!?"

Carlos jumped up when James started for the room currently occupied. "James! Come on you need to calm down. Or your going to start a scene. Calm down."

"Calm down! How could I possibly _calm down_!? Were you not here two seconds ago Carlos? He has some serious explaining to do." James growled.

"Just-"

"Oh, Yes! Harder!" They heard Kendall scream. Carlos' eyes widened as James' dark with anger. But at this point it was more rage.

"James!" Carlos squeaked franticly, grabbing the livid brunet. Spinning him around, Carlos kissed him. James instantly relaxed and calmed, kissing the Latino back. Carlos pulled back after a while and smiled. "Just let them finish and him leave, then we will see what's going on."

James looked at Carlos for a moment, then finally nodded. The Latino pulled James back to the couch and sat him down.

"What the hell was that, Carlos?" James whispered, looking at his feet.

Carlos shook his head and sat down next to him, sliding his hand around his waist. "I don't know, James."

After a heart beat James looked up to see that Logan was still staring at the door. "Dude? You okay?"

Logan snapped his head to the couple. "What? Oh yeah! Sure! Not like I just say Kendall practically get fucked into the door! No everything's peachy, haha!" Logan's voice raised an octave like it always does when he's nervous. "I'm going to go talk to Camille…about things…you know, stuff. Bleep blop bloop. Bye!" Then Logan was out the door faster than he's ever been.

"I think he's been scarred." Carlos said amused.

"We've all been scarred." James said flatly, causing Carlos to look at him in worry. There was something in James' voice that worried him. "Carlos, I don't know him anymore."

"What?" The Latino asked in confusion.

"Kendall's supposed to be my best friend, but I don't think I know him any more. He's changing Carlos. I can see it. I saw it before, but never bothered to look harder. I thought it was nothing. I don't like it." He whispered.

"What do you mean?" Carlos asked.

"I don't think this change is a good thing. Something's wrong."

* * *

Two hours and several rounds later, due to the load bangs and screams James was pretty sure there'd been at least five, the guy finally emerged from Kendall and James' joint room. The blue-eyed man didn't have his shirt on and his pants hung low on his hips. James had to admit, unwillingly, that the dude was very well built.

The stranger flashed a perfect smile at Carlos, James, and Logan, who'd returned about and hour prior, then went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. He found a apple and took a bite, just as Kendall walked out of his room. Kendall wore more than the stranger in the kitchen, but not much better. He was just in boxers and what James presumed to be the strangers missing shirt. It was slightly too big on Kendall and hung off one of the blonds shoulders. Kendall walked up to the man and plucked the apple from his hands to take a bite and then handed it back.

The stranger chuckled and kissed Kendall's cheek, before heading to the door. "Had fun, babe. Like always."

Kendall followed him, wrapping his arms around the blue-eyed man's neck and leaning against the open doors frame. "Mmm, yes it was. I'll return the shirt next time I see you."

"Which will be tomorrow." The blue-eyed man swooped down and kissed Kendall briefly. "See you later, baby." Then he unwrapped himself from Kendall and left down the hall.

James didn't know what to do. All he could do was watch the way his best friend and the stranger interact. He had no idea what was going on and when the man finally left he snapped out of his shocked state. He stood from the couch abruptly and stomped his way over to Kendall, who had just closed the door.

"Kendall Donald Knight! What in the actual hell was _that_!" He yelled.

Kendall looked up at James then glanced at Carlos. James saw Kendall's eyes darken with…sorrow? But it disappeared. "Look I would love to play twenty question's with you but-" He broke off to yawn, "-I need a nap." He gave the three his signature half smile half smirk, and walked back to his room.

"No." James whispered. "NO!" The brunet screamed. He shot forward and grabbed Kendall's arm. Kendall yelped in pain from the force of James' grip. James yanked Kendall toward the sofa and threw him on it. "You are not going to fucking walk away, Kendall. You can't act like this is not a big deal!" James screamed.

Kendall shrunk back from James' harsh voice. He was terrified, James never got this angry. "Kendall, you just had _sex_ with a guy! A stranger that none of us even know! How old is this guys anyway? Does he know you're a minor? Did he know you have a girlfriend? Oh my god. You've cheated on Jo. She's going to be heartbroken."

Suddenly, Kendall's fright turned into anger. "_Jo_? After all this, you think about how this will effect _Jo_!" Kendall stood up, shaking from the force of his anger. "That _guy_ has been there for me more than _any_ of you have in the past year." Kendall glared at James, Carlos and Logan. "His name was Eric and he's 20. Yes he's knows I'm 17 and yes he knows I _had _a girlfriend!" Kendall screamed. He smirked darkly at the looks of confusion.

"Yes, had. Jo and I haven't gone out in ages. And I honestly don't care, but none of you even noticed that. None of you know what's been going on for the last year. Logan's too caught up in Camille, while you and Carlos are wrapped up in each other! That _guy_ has been the only one there and I met him at a fucking bar. He probably knows more about me now than the three of you combined. And you want to know the sad part? All you thought about was how this was going to effect Jo, when she wouldn't even give a rat's ass about who I sleep with."

James stared at Kendall in horror, the words he said sinking in. "Kendall I'm s-"

"DON'T!" Kendall screamed. "Don't you dare say you're sorry, because you're not. None of you are. You guys are supposed to be there for me, be my best friends. But when I needed you most, you weren't there." Kendall whispered hoarsely, voice strained from suppressing his tears. "You have no idea what's happening, you don't even know I'm gay. You guys just don't care."

"But Kendall-" Carlos stared.

"Shut up Carlos! You don't!" Kendall screamed at them. "Just leave me alone!" Then he was out the door tears running down his face, completely ignoring his friends cries for him to stop.


	6. Chapter 6

Author Note:

Random: I really don't have much to say. I'm feeling rather depressed. :(

Hikaru: She's been comparing herself to other writers.

Random: I DON"T KNOW WHY YOU PEOPLE LIKE MY STORIES! I mean...compared to Big Time Decisions by Franshes or Echo of the Amplifiers by CharWright5 ( Both Stories are amazing! If you're not go read them!) or any other story, mines a piece of crap. :'( They both write sooooo much better than I do! And I'm shit at updating and twists and life! And making chapters go past 2,000 words...i just suck.

Kaoru: Stop it! Your making us depressed!

Random: I'm sorry! I just don't understand! I'm sorry! I think this story is getting to me!

Hikaru: WARNINGS: Besides all the depressing stuff, theirs cutting and yelling and swearing and other thing...

Kaoru: DISCLAIMER: Still doesn't own...it probably make her feel better if she did though...

Random: *Sulking in a corner and holds up a sign that says ENJOY! on it*

Twins:...Since she's being all depressed and self-loathing...no pun intended...Thank you to every one that reads/reviews/favs/alerts this story and special thanks to Jeremy for beta-ing!

Random: *Flips sign. Now says ENJOY PLEASE!*

* * *

Kendall ran out of the hotel, not caring that he was only in boxers and a too big shirt. He didn't care that his vision was blurred and could barley see through his tears as he ran down the walk way. Unlike what it looked like to people he passed, he actually knew where he was going. He'd been there many time, memorized the way. It was his home now.

He found the apartment complex he'd been looking for. Running right past the doorman. who didn't even bother looking up, and to the elevators, he pressed the button and jumped in. He tried to stop crying on his way up to the floor he desired, but he gave up and just let them flow. Soon the doors opened and he was walking down a familiar hall. The blond rubbed at his eyes as he looked for the right door. Finding it he knocked on it without hesitation.

There was some shuffling and muffled words before the door swung open. Eric stood on the other side, still not wearing a shirt, with a confused look on his face. "Kendall what are you-" He stopped when he saw the tears still falling down his cheeks. "What's wrong?"

"C-Can I c-come in?" He asked shakily.

Eric nodded and let Kendall in. The blond walked past him and to the kitchen to get a glass of water, Eric following behind. When Kendall had gotten his water and sat down, Eric talked. "What's wrong?"

Kendall shook his, not ready to talk about it yet. "Not now." He whispered. Eric nodded and got up. He went over to a cabinet and opened it to take out a box of cookies.

"Here, you seem to need them." He said handing Kendall the box.

Kendall smiled and took the box. He wasn't lying when he'd said Eric had been there when his other friends hadn't. This man was the closest thing he had to a boyfriend, of course he wasn't, but close enough. He understood when Kendall just wanted someone to cry on, or someone to help him forget, and he didn't push Kendall into stopping his self harm, as much as Eric wanted it to. He just understood.

Kendall jumps slightly when he hears someone's voice come from around the hall. "Babe? You coming back-Well hello." Another blond haired man said, when he walked into the kitchen. Kendall glanced over to Eric and raise one of his eyebrows. "Who's this? Is he joining us?" The blond man asked.

Eric chuckled and shook his head. "No, sorry. This is a friend of mine, I'm going to have to cancel."

The man shrugged. "Whatever, I'll find someone else. See ya." The guy left the kitchen toward the direction of what Kendall knew was Eric's bedroom to get his clothes.

Kendall turned to raise an eyebrow at Eric. "Hey, you know I fuck other people."

"That's not what I'm questioning. Really? Him? He looks like a stick on two legs."

"And you're not?" Eric asked. Kendall sucked in a sharp breath and looked away, that hurt more than it should. Eric's eyes widened and he started to spill out an apology. "No, Kendall that's not what I meant. Well, I mean-" He was cut off by the dude walking in to the kitchen.

"I'm leaving, Eric." He said and kissed his cheek, then turned to Kendall "Bye, cock-block." With a wave he left the apartment.

"Kendall…" Eric started after a beat of silence.

Kendall put on his best smile and shook his head, "No. Hey, it's fine. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose. My life just sucks." He laughed bitterly and got up and walked to Eric's bathroom, Eric following after him.

"And that's why I'm sorry. I crossed the line." He tried. Kendall nodded and opened a drawer next to the bathroom sink, shuffling through the stuff and finding a razor. "I wish you wouldn't do that." He said softly.

"Then why don't you stop me?" Kendall shot back sharply, while taking off his many bracelets.

"Because I'm not the one that you need." He said looking away when Kendall cut into his skin. "It wouldn't help if I stopped you."

Kendall sighed and just watched as the blood ran out of his wrists. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does matter! You matter Kendall! I just don't know why you can't see it." He argued, and Kendall continued to cut.

"Because I _don't,_ Eric." He said harshly, razor cutting deeper. "My mom hated me, my friends don't care, I'm a _whore_!" He screamed, dropping the razor and whirling on Eric. "You above all people should know that! You are the closest thing I've had to any kind of feelings remotely romantic or brotherly or whatever in over a year." He said, voice thick with emotion. "You want to know how I lost my virginity, Eric? Why I know I'm a whore? It was in a back alley with a guy at least ten years older then me. I was barley sixteen. My first orgy was in a club's bathroom three days after that. I've slept with more guys and girls than I can _count,_ Eric."

"Kendall…please. You're-" Eric tried again weakly.

"Yes, _I am_! Jesus, Eric, I've been with at least five guys this week and it's only Wednesday. Tell me that when you first saw me you didn't think I'd be an easy lay? You could tell, that I would do anything for sex, didn't you?" Kendall paused for Eric to answer.

"I-I," He tried to speak and say that he hadn't thought that, but in truth, that would have been a lie.

Kendall smiled bitterly. "See? I knew it. I don't matter. Whores don't matter, Eric. They are only good for sex and that's it. So just stop. You don't have to be nice to me. That's not going to prevent me from having sex with you. Trust me, Eric, I have done _everything _in the book. And you being mean to me will not stop me from jumping into your bed the moment you ask. Letting you bully me, is the tamest thing I would ever do"

Eric stopped all together, looking at Kendall. Blood was running down his hand and dripping to the floor, his eyes where broken and full of pain, it made him want to cry. Kendall was beautiful. And seeing such a beautiful boy so broken, hurt him beyond comprehension. Eric just quietly grabbed Kendall's hand and pulled out the bandages.

Kendall watched as Eric cleaned and dressed his wounds. He wondered why Eric was even doing this. The brunet lead Kendall to the back room, Kendall knew it was the guest room, he stayed here a lot, and sat him on the bed then knelt in front of him. "I'm being nice to you, Kendall, because you do matter. Even if you don't think so, you do. You matter to me, your friends, your sister. We all care about you."

Kendall shook his head vigorously and looked down at their hands. "No, you don't. They don't, or they would have seen that something was wrong. That's what best friends do, know when something's wrong without needing it to be said."

"Kendall…Kendall, look at me." Eric said gently. He waited for Kendall to look at him with watery eyes before continuing. "They are only human. Not every one can see when someone is hurting. And you're hiding it well, Kendall. You need to tell them you need them, not wait for them to tell you, you need them."

"I-I c-can't." He sobbed. "I-I c-can't t-tell th-them that th-eir r-rock has c-crumbled."

Eric smiled and wiped the blonds tears away. "But that is what best friends are for, baby. When you crumble, they are there to put you back together like you do."

Kendall cried harder, clinging onto the front of Eric's shirt as the other man maneuvered Kendall to lay on the bed. "I want you to get some rest Kendall. You need it."

The blond could only nod as Eric got in next to him. "I'll be right here when you wake up." He reassured the sniffling blond.

Kendall smiled watery and leaned up to kiss him softly. "Thank you." He mumbled.

"You're welcome, babe. Now sleep." He hushed, stroking Kendall's hair.

Kendall sighed and snuggled into the warmth, before falling asleep. Thinking for the first time that maybe the next time he woke up he'd fell a little better.


	7. Chapter 7

Author Note:

Random: Hello everyone! I'm really sorry about the last author note! And I appreciate all your nice comments. I was just felling down on myself because I don't like how I had written this chapter! It's rather short and doesn't have anything really important-

Hikaru: LIES! It has two HUGE important parts!

Random: ...oooooh yeah...I guess it does!

Kaoru: Yeah I guess so! It like completely shifts the story!

Random: Speaking of shifting the story. I have kinda came up with an idea to end this. It could go one of two ways. I've already kind of foreshadowed on both ways it could go...actually it could go three ways, but I think I'd melt peoples brain with that one so I'm not going to do that one. I'm really conflicted on how it should go. I think I'm going to do it one way then write an alternate ending after that...idk...any thoughts even though you guys have no idea what I'm talking about?

Hikaru: *Blink* That made no since.

Random: Shut up you! Your the one that planted the stupid idea in my head!

Hikaru: *Sniggers*

Kaoru: so WARNINGS: Um, swearing, name calling, some harsh themes, specific person homophobia, James breaks down...thing generally not making since.

Hikaru: DISCLAMER: She does not own the boys, if she did their would be hell of a lot more half naked pictures of the boys...or fully naked...;D

Random: So thank you to all that has reviewed/faved/alerted this story. I wish I had time to reply to all of your comments but I don't :( And thank to Jeremy for betaing! Now enjoy this chapter that I think is shit but the twins think other wise! :D

* * *

James just stared at the open door. Carlos and Logan had ran after Kendall in a panic to get him back and explain. But all he could do was stare at the damned door. Repeating the words that Kendall had screamed, his voice sounding so lost and broken. How could he have missed that? Not Kendall being gay, well that was part of it, but the part where Kendall had fallen apart? When had that happened?

What the fuck had he been thinking?

James fell back on the couch ungracefully, the couch making a soft thumping sound once he hit it. He placed his head in his hands as he tried to think properly. He didn't know what was going on. Kendall wasn't with Jo anymore. He was with…no he wasn't _with_ anyone. That guy was just using Kendall as a sexual release.

Fuck, he didn't know what to think.

James pulled at his hair. What the hell did all this mean? What other things was Kendall hiding from them? Him? Just…"FUCK!" James screamed, slamming a hand into the glass table in front of the couch so hard it cracked. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He chanted, pulling at his hair again, his hand throbbing dully.

The door suddenly opened and his head snapped to it, hope fluttering in his heart. But it was quickly squashed when Mama Knight came through, carrying a shit ton of groceries. He got up to go help her, thankful for the momentary distraction. She smiled at him in thanks. They talked a little, her just really telling him about her day, as he put away the things. He smiled when he pulled out their favorite snack. Cheese balls! They each got their own bag to avoid arguments. Although, Carlos usually finished his first and tried to mooch off of James' or the others, which just led to fights.

He pulled out the bags, only counting three. That was odd. "Mrs. Knight? Where's the fourth bag?"

"We only need three, honey" She said distractingly.

James face scrunched in confusion. "No…we need four. Me, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan."

James saw her eyes widen, but answered quickly. "Yes, dear. But the store only had three. One's going to have to share."

James nodded slowly and continued to pull out the groceries. His brows knitted together when he pulled out three of everything or something that only had 5 servings. "…Mrs. Knight?"

"Yes sweetheart?" She asked putting away some things.

"Um, Kendall's…Kendall's ran off."

He watched as something flashed in her eyes, an almost happy glint. "Don't worry, James. I'm sure he will come back."

James turned to her abruptly. "Did you know he was gay?" He asked sternly. And there it was. The look that she couldn't hide quick enough. One of complete disgust.

"No…I hadn't."

James looked away. "Are you feeding him?"

"Yes, of cour-"

"Don't lie to me! Are. You. _Feeding._ Him." He looked into her eyes, searching for the answer he hoped dearly he would get. His heart shattering when he didn't get it.

"No."

"Why?" He whispered.

"Because he is my son. And I will _not _have a gay son."

"You were fine with me and Carlos!" He said, voice breaking slightly.

"You two are not my sons. I don't care who you sleep with, as long as it's not my son. But I guess you already ruined him." She said coldly, eyes hard.

James looked down at the counter. "Get out."

"What?" She asked in surprise.

"I said get the fuck OUT!" He screamed.

"You can't do that! I-"

"Don't own the apartment. Carlos is 18 and Logan nearly is. And the apartment lease is under Kendall's name. We can do whatever we want." He looked at her with such hate, it made her gulp.

"W-What about Katie?"

"I'm going to tell her everything that has happened, what you have been doing. She can either live with us or with you, I don't care. I just want you out of this apartment."

She straightened her shoulders. "Fine, but I don't know why you're defending the little shit." She said storming to the door.

"You're supposed to be his mother." He said quietly, but loud enough for her to hear.

He saw her tense. "Not anymore." She said, voice dark and left the apartment.

James crumbled to the floor. He'd let this happen. All of this was his fault.

Carlos opened the door, while looking back to watch Mrs. Knight walk away. "Hey James? Where is-James! Oh my god! What's wrong!?" Carlos rushed over to kneel next to the brunet and pull him to his chest.

"This is my fault." James whispered, turning his head into Carlos' chest and started to sob. "All my fault."

Carlos bit his lip, holding James tighter. He didn't know what to say, he didn't even know what happened. "Baby, it's okay. We'll figure it out." And that just made James cry harder.

* * *

Kendall sat at Eric's kitchen table the next day lost in thought, but of course it didn't last long.

"Eric! You done fucking your slut?" A voice called after slamming open the door.

Eric walked into view, toweling at his hair. Kendall started to wonder if the older boy ever wore a shirt for more than 5 minutes. "Yeah, but they're still here." He said winking at Kendall, making the blond teen roll his eyes.

"What? You let one stay for more than 20 minutes after-oh it's Kendork, never mind." Jett rounded the corner and came into Kendall's view.

"Hey yourself, jerk wad." Kendall mumbled around the brim of his mug.

Jett flopped down next to Kendall and placed an arm around the back of his chair. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with your friends?"

"No. They don't control me!" Kendall snapped. Jett put his hand up in surrender at the harsh tone. Kendall sighed, "Sorry…rough night."

Jett smirked cockily. "I bet." He sang.

Kendall rolled his eyes and kicked the shorter blond. "Shut up, bastard."

Jett pouted. "Ow! Eric! Your play thing's being mean to me!"

Eric walked back into the room from wherever he'd disappeared to with a shirt and to the fridge. "Children be nice."

Jett rolled his eyes and threw the nearest heavy object at Eric before turning back to Kendall. "Anyway, why are you here? Logan and Carlos have been looking for you."

Kendall looked down, trying desperately to not notice the lack of James in that sentence. "We had a fight."

"Aw, trouble in paradise?"

Eric shot Jett a look. "Shut up Jett."

"No, Eric it's fine." Kendall said, he turned back to Jett. "If by paradise, you mean my hell hole of a home? Then yes. My mother hates me and my friends don't care. Yesterday was my breaking point and I had finally just screamed to them I was having trouble. So yes Jett, there is trouble in _paradise._" He spat. The words flowing with venom, making Jett flinch. The blond stood up and mumbled he was going to take a shower.

Eric watched Kendall go then turned back to Jett. "Moron! I had just got him feeling better!"

"How was I supposed to know?" Jett asked.

"Because I'm your older brother! And you know me! If Kendall's here that usually means _something bad happened_."

"Like I'd know that! We are only half-brothers! I can't read your mind!" Jett said, crossing his arm defiantly.

"Well, then figure out how, dip shit!" Eric glared. He got up, "I'm going to go make sure he doesn't accidentally kill himself." And then he stormed away.

Jett sighed and banged his head on the table. Eric was so protective of Kendall. Ever since he'd introduced them. Kendall was like another younger brother to Eric…that he fucked? Okay moving away from that fucked up train of thought. Point was, Eric was a protective son of a bitch when he wanted to be. Jett groaned and banged his head on the table again. Fuck, he always gets himself involved in other peoples business, if he wanted to be or not. He always stumbled into it.

He stood up and walked toward the shower. "Might as well go and apologies. Stupid brothers and brothers-friend-with-benefits-but-younger-brother… thing…Screw it. I don't know what I'm saying. Stupid messed up family." He wondered briefly, when Kendall became part of his family.


	8. Chapter 8

Author Note:

Random: Hello! Look at me! Updating in a releasable fast rate!

Hikaru: *GASP* It's unheard of!

Random: So this note is going to be short, because I need to go to bed! I'm taking the ACT tomorrow! WISH ME LUCK! So I need sleep! It's also a reason I'm updating so fast... Thank you too all that reviewed and faved and followed. And of course thanks to Jeremy for beta-ing!

Kaoru: WARNINGS: Description of abuse, crying, heat warming shit.

Hikaru: DISCLAIMER: SHE DOESN'T"T OWN THEMMMM!

Random: I've noticed a trend in my stories...I always make Jett a key in helping Kendall some how...oh well. It's my Kett feeling wanting to be acknowledged. Anyway, this chapter goes a little deeper into Kendall's past...ENJOY!

* * *

Carlos had finally gotten James to calm down and now the brunet was sleeping in their room. He sighed, combing a hand through his hair. Before James had fallen asleep, he'd been able to calm down enough to tell him the whole story and he just…he couldn't believe it.

Every little thing that Kendall's mother had done, he should have noticed. The pain Kendall must have felt, he couldn't even fathom it. Kendall probably felt like no one cared. Which wasn't true, they'd just never noticed…and in retrospect was probably worse.

And fuck! Then there was James. He felt like all of this was his fault. Of course it wasn't. It wasn't anyone's, but Kendall's fucked up past and mother. The blond was the last person on the earth that should have to go through all this. All three boys knew about Kendall's abusive father, they just never told Kendall they knew. He guessed that he should have known that it would affect Kendall more than he'd let on. Should have been the first clue.

* * *

_All three boys woke up simultaneously. It wasn't too weird, they did that sometimes when they slept over, especially if one left the room to go pee or get a glass of water. Looking around they noticed that Kendall was the one that had left. _

_James smirked. "Those 3, 2 liter bottles of pop have come back to haunt him." He snickered. _

_The Latinos face split into a grin. "Guys! Lets go scare him!" _

_"What would be the point of that?" Logan commented. "It's not like he'd pee his pants, since he's already emptied his bladder." _

_Carlos rolled his eyes. "Come on! It be a pay back for all those times he scared you with that fake snake while you where in the shower at camp." _

_It was quite for a beat. "Yeah, okay. Let's go." Came Logan's voice, prompting them to all get up. _

_They made their way to the bedroom door through the dark, James only stubbing his toe on something once, and opened the door a crack to make sure Kendall wasn't coming back down the hall. Making sure the coast was clear, they tiptoed to the bathroom, only to find it empty. _

_"Maybe he went to get some water?" James whispered, looking at the other two. _

_They both shrugged. "Worth a shot." Logan said, then they all headed for the stairs. _

_Just before the boys reached the bottom, they heard a slight whimper and a small voice call out "daddy". They all looked at each other in confusion. the voice sound like Kendall's, but…not. Kendall never called his father 'daddy', neither did Katie, and his voice had never sounded so childish. _

_They peaked around the corner. _

_"You pathetic shit." __Came__ a harsh voice. "Look at the mess you and your friends caused." All the boys eyes widened as they saw Mr. Knight hand fly out and smack Kendall across the face. "I don't know why your mother allows them to come over. I just end up cleaning after you, you ungrateful child!" _

_James had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep a gasp from escaping as Mr. Knight slapped Kendall with such a force he landed on the floor. "Daddy, please. I-I c-can cle-an i-it up." The blond whimpered. _

_"Damn straight __you're __cleaning it up! You pathetic toy!" He spat. "You make the mess, you clean it up!" He landed a kick to Kendall's shaking form. "I don't want to come home from a hard day at work, making money to feed your pathetic mouth, to a filthy home!" All through his rant he'd kicked Kendall multiple time, before yanking him up by the hair and forcing the now crying blond to look at him. "You are to clean this up and tomorrow no food." The man hissed at his son, then smacked him hard and threw him to the ground. _

_"Yes, daddy." Came the broken reply and that was all it took for them. James clamped a hand over his mouth and hurried up the stairs as quietly as he could. Logan had to grab onto Carlos' frozen body to get him to follow and they all __piled__ back into the room. James slumped over and cried silently and Carlos wrapped his arms around James and cried too. _

_"I don't think we should tell Kendall we know." Logan whispered. _

_"What? Why? We need to help him!" James whispered back harshly. _

_"And make it worse!? Carlos, your dads a __cop. __I bet he's told you about cases like these. They just get worse if the abuser finds out the abused told someone, right?" _

_Carlos hesitated for a second before nodding. "Yeah. It's like a last hoo ha for them. Sometimes the victim ends up dead." He whispered. causing James to whimper. _

_"Fine." James choked out, his sobs __dying__ down a little. "We won't tell him or anyone that we know, for Kendall's sake." _

_They all nodded and shuffled back into their own sleeping bags before Kendall came back into the room. When he had and he's settled down and gone to sleep, they all got up and curled around him. It wasn't unusual, they often found themselves waking up in each others arms during sleepovers, but this time it for the comfort of knowing Kendall was there and safe, if only for that moment._

* * *

After that day, they paid closer attention and noticed the days Kendall acted different or had a limp or had anything that indicated that Kendall'd been abused the night before. When they went over to his house, they made sure to clean up after themselves and if Kendall noticed it, he didn't say anything.

But it was so hard. To watch one of your best friends suffer in silence and not do anything about it. And when the beatings seemed to get worse and they were on the verge of reporting it, Kendall's father left.

And that was that.

They'd thought that was the end of it. They'd never thought maybe Mama Knight knew and did nothing. They'd never thought that she'd flat-out reject her son. Never thought she'd stop _feeding_ him.

And Kendall deserved none of this.

He didn't deserve to be beaten, rejected, treated like a cheap slut or have friends that never saw what was happening. He should be set on a fucking pedestal and _worshiped_ for all that he was.

Carlos jumped and was broken out of his thoughts when his phone buzzed. he pulled it out and checked the I. D. Seeing it was Logan, he hit the answer button. "Have you found him?" He already knew the answer, he just wanted to hope he wasn't right.

"No." Came the disappointed sigh.

Carlos grimaced. "Why don't you just come back to the room, Logie? Looks like we'll have to wait 'til he comes back on his own."

Logan sighed and Carlos could practically see Logan's hand card through his hair. "Yeah, okay. Be back in a few." Then he hung up.

Carlos flung his phone on the table and turned the T.V. on, hoping some mindless T.V. would help clear his head.

* * *

Kendall laid sprawled out on the couch in Eric's apartment. He had taken a quick shower that, yes, involved sex with Eric. It help him calm down a little. Now he was just staring at the ceiling listening to the two half-brothers argue. He hated that they fought over something he'd done so much. Jett was still his jerky self, but he'd grown to ignore that part of him. It helped that Kendall was fucking Jett's brother and they lived together.

That's actually how they meet. After Jo and Kendall 'broke up' (it was more like not seeing each other at all and just telling people they were single) Kendall had had a hot one night stand with the shorter male. He wasn't very proud of that fact, because they were sorta friends, but whatever. He'd woken up and decided to make Jett breakfast, because, at the time, Jett was the only one that knew about his situation. It was one big complicated thing that hurt his brain to think about. Anyway, he'd met Eric while making breakfast and the rest is history.

So, he hated that they were fighting. He loved both of them, because they've been through a lot together, and them fighting tore him up a little.

He heard a sigh and looked up to see Jett walking toward him. He lifted Kendall's feet and sat down where they had been, then placed them back into his lap. "I'm sorry, Kendall. I should have noticed something was wrong." The shorter male huffed.

Kendall rolled his eyes and kicked his chest, "Whatever, it's fine. Just things that have decided to blow up in my face."

Jett smirked at him. "What did you expect from bringing Eric home with you when you knew the boys were going to be there."

"Shut up. I was tired of hiding at least that part of me from them and horny."

"And we all know you make the best decisions when you're horny."

Kendall laughed and kicked Jett again. "Be quiet!"

Jett smiled at him, but it melted and he looked down, playing with the hem of the Jeans Kendall was wearing that he borrowed from Eric. "They'd looked really worried." He said softly.

By that time Eric had walked in (fully clothed for once) and sat down and placed Kendall's head in his lap. "Who was worried?" He asked.

"Carlos and Logan. When I saw them searching for you." Jett said simply.

"Oh…" Kendall said, looking up at Eric as he ran a hand threw his hair.

"Kendall…I know your life sucks right now, but…you don't know how lucky you really are." Jett held up a hand when Kendall tried to speak. "Just let me say this. You have three best friends, your sister, and now you also have us. I need you to know that. I was always so hateful to you, because of that. You infect your way into people's hearts Kendall. And at first I hated that, but then you told me about all that was going on and it just hit me. You're so open and caring and that's how you get people to respect and love you. You give each person you meet a piece of yourself and sometimes they abuse it. Like your parents or the guys you pick up at the clubs or Jo.

"But then you have James, Carlos, and Logan, Katie, Eric and me, Camille, most of the Palmwoods, hell you even have Bitters wrapped around your finger. You just have to remember that, despite all the things that have happened in your past, you have people who love and care about you." He finished, looking up to see Eric smiling softly and Kendall on the verge of crying.

The blond lunged forward and wrapped him up in a hug. "Thank you, Jett. I needed to hear something like that."

Jett shrugged, "No biggie."

Kendall smiled and wiped a stray tear away. "What brought that on?"

Jett looked down again. "I was just thinking about it. You know that our father died when I was three and Eric six and my mom doesn't really want anything to do with me, so all I have is you and Eric, and I don't know, I just wanted you to know you're luckier than I am."

Kendall shook his head, "Don't say that. You're great Jett. You just don't make friends that easy, because, you know, you're a jerk." Kendall said with a smirk.

Jett rolled his eyes and pushed Kendall off. "I'm having this heart-felt moment with you and you ruin it! And that makes _me _the jerk how?"

Kendall laughed and stood up. "I'm going to go. I have a lot of explaining to do." He bent down to kiss Eric's cheek and squeeze Jett's shoulder. "I'll see you later." He grabbed his stuff and with a final wave walked out the door.

Eric smiled and turned to Jett. "That is probably the most relaxed I've seen him."

Jet just shrugged, relaxing against the couch. "When are you going to tell him you're in love with one of his friends." Eric cut in right after.

Jett snapped his head over to Eric. "What!? Never! He doesn't need to know that!" He yelled, cheeks flushing.

Eric chuckled. These teenagers and their obsession with angst and making things complicated, but still. "You did good, little brother."

And Jett beamed.


	9. Chapter 9

Author Note:

Random: Hello! I'm alive! I'm so incredibly sorry! The last couple of weeks of school are soooo hectic, especially if you are a senior! So I am done with high school! MWHA! And hopefully off to collage this fall! :D So now it is summer and hopefully I will be able to update a little faster!

Hikaru: But it is a busy summer, she has to do clean out her dead grandmothers house! So they can rent it out!

Random: ...yay...

Kaoru: DISCLAIMER: She does not or ever will own the show Big Time Rush or the gorgeous boys in it!

Hikaru: WARNINGS: Good lord this is a hell of a chapter! It's really just a lot of sadness and eternal pain stuff going on...so yeah, be prepared!

Random: have you guys seen the latest shows! I'm loving the Kames! Now I said in Vampires that I will start to do shout outs! And I am and hopefully answer some questions here too, if you asked and the answer is short...so let us begin! Thank you to all of who reviewed the last chapter:

**winterchild11**

**Swayzee Sweetheart**

**babyphatr5968**

**XxxAnimaniacxxX**- you will have to wait and seeee! :D It's coming up soon though!

**child who is cool**

**mandie1511**

**Samanthateach**

**Helen Wood**- your review made me smile for like ten minutes! Just fyi. :D

Hikaru: And thank you to all that faved or followed this story!

Random: I love you all! Now read on and ENJOY!

* * *

Kendall reached his apartment with no interruptions and opened the door hesitantly, not wanting to alert anyone of his presence. He found no one in the living room and sighed. Opening the door completely, he walked in and set his keys and his wallet on the dinning table, then walked to over to the hall. The blond cracked open Logan and Carlos' room to find the smart boy and Latino not there. He gave a bitter chuckle, Logan was probably out with Camille and Carlos was most likely with James. He swallowed and closed the door.

He walked over to his and James' room, hesitating at the door. Was he really ready to tell them everything? Well no, obviously. But they should know, he _wants_ them to know, he just wasn't ready. He was so tired, though. So tired of the pain and constant hunger. He needs them to know.

With a final shaky breath, he reached out his hand and cracked open the door. His eyes were instantly drawn to the sleeping James. His heart fluttered in his chest, he was sleeping on Kendall's bed. He looked over and saw Carlos and Logan sitting on James' bed talking quietly. Kendall was shocked to see Carlos look so serious and Logan even _here_. He watched them for a moment, they both spoke too quietly for him to hear, but he was able to see all he needed.

Carlos looked so worried and tired, he'd occasionally glance over to check on James then flit back to Logan. The tanned boy never looked so grown up and part of Kendall felt flattered and disgusted with himself for that. Flattered that Carlos was so worried about him and disgusted because the Latino should never have to look like that. He should always be carefree and in love. Not worried and tired.

Logan wasn't much better off. He looked about ready to be sick. His skin was pale and his shoulders shaking. It took a moment for Kendall to see that Logan was actually crying.

Kendall had to close the door for a moment, pressing a hand to his mouth and leaning against the door. He couldn't believe they were all there and worried about _him_. He didn't deserve this, them, anything.

He's cracked and he's mangled. He was a broken doll that they should sell to some other family because he feels like he doesn't belong in this one, feels like he doesn't belong with anyone. Played with and used to the point of ripping open, then being stitched together only to be ripped open over and over and over again, until his owner no longer wanted to stitch him up again. His heart bleeding through the seams, open and raw and unforgiving. Still being used again and again, until the rips are wide and endless and his heart feels like it can bleed no more. But they keep playing, enjoying him as long as they still can abuse, until he's just the cloth that held the stuffing. His body hollow, his rips too big to fix. And then he's left on the curb for the trash to come and get, to be thrown away and forgotten.

He was cold, so cold.

Kendall scrubbed at his face to get the burning feeling in his eyes to stop. He took another breath and opened the door completely. Carlos and Logan's heads snapped to the door. He stood in the door awkwardly, hand rubbing at his neck nervously. "H-He-" He stopped and cleared his throat. "Hi." He chocked out lamely.

He was suddenly enveloped by two strong arms, the force of it knocking the air out of him. "Oh my God! Don't do that _ever_ again. Do you have any idea how worried I was!" Logan yelled, voice cracking from suppressed tears.

"D-Don't r-run off like that. James made himself sick with guilt and worry and I probably paced holes in my shoes." Carlos croaked out, shoulders shaking. It was then that Kendall felt the front of his shirt dampen.

"Oh, no. Carlos, shh. Don't cry. I'm sorry, I-I did-I'm sorry." He whispered, wrapping his arms around both Carlos and Logan. He held them for a moment, relishing in the fact that they were _touching_ him. "W-Where's James? He needs to hear this." Kendall spoke, pulling away from the sniffling pair.

Carlos pointed to the bed. "He passed out from crying earlier today."

A pang of guilt and sadness ripped through Kendall's heart. He walked over to the beautiful brunet's bed, noticing the tracks of wet down the pretty boys face. His heart clenched. "James." Kendall whispered soothingly. "James, I need you to wake up."

James turned onto his back slowly. "Hmm?" He groaned sleepily, opening his eyes.

Kendall gave a watery smile. "Hey."

James was suddenly wide awake and launching himself at Kendall, wrapping his arms around Kendall completely and sobbing into his shoulder. "Oh God, oh God, I'm so sorry, Ken. So, so sorry. I sh-should have seen it."

"We know about your mom." Carlos spoke out softly when Kendall looked confused.

"We had no idea." Logan choked out. "We're so sorry."

James looked up from Kendall's shoulder and pulled Kendall's face to look at his own, framing it with his hands. "I'm sorry." He choked around his sobs.

Kendall shuddered out a breath, tears falling from his own eyes. He reached up and held James' hands around his face, rubbing his thumb over his wrist. "I-It wasn't your fault," he whispered, "I didn't want you to know, so I never let you see."

Kendall felt a warmth press against his back and Carlos came into view over James' shoulder and guessed it was Logan behind him. "She was like your second mother," he said, taking a hand away from holding James and moving it to close around one of Logan's, who had wrapped his arms around his waist, "If I'd told you, you would have lost her…like I did." He looked at Carlos and then James, squeezing Logan's hand. "I didn't want you to feel that pain."

James sobbed harder, his hands dropping to thumb at Kendall's neck, and suddenly Carlos' head was right next James', reaching out a hand to frame Kendall's cheek were James' hand had been, and Logan's lips where pressed against his ear, murmuring words of apology and love.

They were all a sobbing heap of limbs on Kendall's bed. Kendall had one hand holding Logan's, the other on his cheek with Carlos', and his forehead pressed up against James'. He felt overwhelmed by the amount of love pouring out of the three boys around him. And he just cried hard, because it had been so long, _so long_, since he felt loved by these boys. Everything was forgotten in this moment, wrapped up in the three people he loved the most. His past, his arms, his mother, all forgotten in that one moment.

For the first time, since he lost his virginity, he felt _clean_. Like he was worth more than the sex he let people take freely, more than what people have made him believe he was worth. He felt like himself. For the first time in years, he felt like he _belonged_.

And that sent him over the edge, letting all the anger, betrayal, loneliness, emptiness, _pain_, out. He ripped open all the old wounds he let scab over and ignored the pain, bleed through the broken seams of his heart, completely baring his soul. He let James, Carlos and Logan see all that his heart had to offer for them, let them see how broken he really was.

Heart wrenching sobs tore up from his heart, wracking his body. He went limb from the force of them, collapsing into James' chest. He screamed out in anguish until his throat was sour and he couldn't any more, reduced to silent cries of eternal pain. Fat tears pouring from his eyes and down his cheeks until there was no more and his sobs were dry.

He didn't know how long they stayed like that, entangled around each other, sobbing and babbling love and apologies of nonsense. But by the time he fell asleep, head resting on James chest with his arms wound around him, Carlos' hand stroking his hair, and Logan's hands stroking his sides and face nuzzling his neck, he felt completed and safe.

He was warm, finally, so warm.


	10. Chapter 10

Random: Hiiiiii! I know, I'm terrible.

Hikaru: You are.

Random: You are so nice Hikaru. -.-

Hiakru: :)

Random: So I' not even going to give you an excuse even tho it was justifiable ( I was moving out my dead grandmothers house and there was no wifi) so yeah. But I got this done! And I'm rather proud of it. I like how I wrote James' speech. His speech is exactly how I view what he is talking about. And it's a play off my favorite quote from the live action Peter Pan. "To live would be an awfully big adventure" God I love that quote! :D

Hiakru: So WARNINGS: I don't really think there is any...besides a reason for you to hate Random more! ;D

Kaoru: DISCLAIMER: She does not own BTR but she did go see-

Random: OMG I ALMOST FORGOT! I WENT TO ONE OF THEIR CONCERTS! AND I TOUCHED LOGAN AND CARLOS WAVED AT ME AND JAMES WAVED AT ME AND KENDALL LOOKED AT ME FOR LIKE 30 SECONDS AND ALKGDJBGALDGHIAGBADGKBABG! Yeah it was awesome! I was the fourth row Floor! I was so happpppyyy! And I got a Kames moment! They ran into each other and I swear James gave Kendall this little smile that melted me! GAH!

Kaoru: She had fun. Although their was these two little blond bimbos sitting next to her that barley even moved the whole time.

Random: Yeah, oh and Jackson Guthy is awesome. He has an amazing voice and he's good at getting the crowd going. I am now a fan! :D

Twins: Okay will she goes off into dream land we will shout out the people that reviewed-

**winterchild11**

**child who is cool**

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-and thanks to all that faved and fallowed! We Love you!

Random: So now since I believe that is all! REVIEW and ENJOY!

* * *

Kendall woke to warmth and his head slowly moving up and down. The first thing he realized was that his head was resting on someone's chest and that was why it was rising and falling, the second thing being there was only one other body in the bed besides his own, and the last thing was comprehending that it was James.

He looked up and smiled at the sight of a sleep rumpled James. "G'mornin'," James mumbled.

"Morning," Kendall replied, smiling.

James sat up, but kept Kendall close. "How you feeling?" James asked soothingly.

Kendall looked back down, not completely sure what to say. "I'm...I'm better, I guess."

"I'm so sorry."

Kendall sat up and shook his head. "No, James. This was not your fault. It's my mom's for not loving me like she should, it's mine for not talking to you guys and letting random guys use my body. It's not your fault." He said sternly.

"But-"

Kendall put a hand over James' mouth, "Shh, no. Not your fault." Kendall looked into James' sad eyes. "Please, James. This is the first time in months I've felt this relaxed and close to you. Let's...just let me enjoy being myself again."

James looked like he wanted to protest, but didn't, nodding so Kendall knew he understood. Kendall let his hand drop and he settled back into James' chest. James closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, smelling the overwhelming scent of Kendall's mint shampoo and the distinct smell of pancakes.

"Why do people let themselves fall in love?" Kendall blurted out suddenly. "Why do people get their hearts broken over and over again, why do they go through all that pain just because they are in love? It doesn't make sense." Kendall rambled, blushing right after his little rant.

James squeezed Kendall closer. "Because...Because it's an adventure." James replied, smiling at the warm feeling enveloping him. "And everyone loves a good adventure."

Kendall snorted, "Okay Peter. Faith, trust, and pixie dust." The blond mocked.

"No, really. People love the feeling of falling into someone. Learning their likes and dislikes, things that make them moan in annoyance and then moan in pleasure. It's like a treasure hunt, tracing the cracks in their armor and finding the gold that lies underneath the layers you dig away at. You get to feel the thrill of joy when they smile or the crushing fear when they are so mad at you, you can't breath. Exploring the depths of their personality, unlocking the parts you only get to see, figuring out the puzzle and defeating the boss on the other side."

Kendall stayed silent, looking up at James again, hands smoothing over James' chest, soaking it in. Then, James continued, "Because falling in love is an awfully big adventure. And, just like you said, requires faith, trust, and just a little pixie dust."

Kendall's heart seemed to snap back into place a little as James finished his speech. They locked eyes and the world seemed to fade. James' words seemed to describe it perfectly. He fell in love with James after years of trying to get close to him and figuring him out. But even now, he still couldn't completely figure the brunet out, even after knowing James since kindergarten, he was still such a mystery, an adventure Kendall was still questing.

And in this moment, it seemed like the last bit of falling in love fell into place, the pixie dust finally sprinkling it's magic on them. They moved closer together like the opposite charges of magnets, pulling together and couldn't be stopped. Kendall could feel James' breath on his lips, almost taste him on his tongue. The blond reached up and placed a hand on James' cheek, stopping him from moving any further. Kendall's eyes were closed to prevent himself from looking at the boy he wanted most. Because if he did, the last ounce of his self control would evaporate.

He took a moment to just feel the warmth on his lips from James' breath and the heat radiating from his body. But he couldn't have this...

Carlos.

"Is this what you feel about Carlos?" He whispered, lips barely brushing against James'. This was enough, he could live with this.

"Yeah," James whispered back, moving his head farther away, his body farther away. "Yeah, Carlos." Kendall opened his eyes to look at James, but he was turned away and getting out of the bed, heading to the bathroom.

Kendall laid back down and tried not to cry. He had no idea what just happened or what it meant. James was in love with Carlos...or at least he thought. He didn't know what was going on, but it felt like James was holding something back. He just didn't know what...

Deciding that he would figure it out later, he got out of bed and went to the kitchen, seeing Logan making breakfast and Carlos and Katie at the counter.

Katie jumped out of her chair and ran to Kendall, jumping into his arms. "I'm staying with you, big brother. She shouldn't have done that to you."

Kendall felt his heart mend just a little more. "But Katie, she didn't do anything to you, just me. You should still see her."

"No!" She said firmly, "I don't care if she didn't do anything to me, no one should get away with not taking care and loving their only son. And until she sees what she has done is wrong, she also no longer has a daughter."

Kendall felt his eyes well with tears. "I love you, baby sister." He said softly.

Katie pulled back with a choked laugh. "Put me down before I start crying." She giggled.

Kendall smiled and set her down. "You're getting too big for that anyway." He joked. She rolled her eyes and punched him, going over to the couch to play with her IPad. He sat down next to Carlos. "What's for breakfast?"

"Pancakes." Logan said, setting a plate down in front of Kendall.

"Hey! I was here first!" Carlos groaned.

"I like Kendall better." Logan teased, sticking his tongue out at Carlos, but serving him shortly after.

James walked in after a while, looking distracted. "Hey," he said, kissing Carlos' cheek. Kendall caught James whispering something he couldn't make out before he pulled back. Logan handed him a plate and he sat down to eat.

Kendall finished rather quickly, jumping up and smiling at everyone. "Welp, I'm going to the pool to hang with Jett and his brother."

"Jett has a brother?" Carlos asked.

Kendall nodded. "Um...yeah, the guy you saw me with."

"They look nothing alike!" Logan exclaimed.

"Half-brothers" Kendall said with a shrug.

"Oh...but we wanted to do something together."

"You can come with me. I'm not going to just dump Jett and his brother because I have you guys back. I'm so happy about that, but Jett and Eric were there when you weren't. I have a bond with them that you wouldn't understand, just like they don't understand my bond with you guys." Kendall explained, looking at each of them. "I'm not fixed guys, it's going to take some time for me to feel normal again. So you can come with me or not." Kendall shrugged, stealing some of Carlos' bacon and walking out the door.

"He just stole my bacon!" Carlos gasped, scandalized.

Logan rolled his eyes, handing him more bacon, "Yes, Carlos. That was the most important part of that whole speech." Carlos grumbled at Logan as he took a bite out of his new piece.

"Well," Katie cut in, "I'm off to Rocque Records, because Gustavo just texted me and needs me to talk Griffin out of some baaaaaad plan. See ya, dorks!" She said, waving to them as she walked out of the room.

Logan took off the apron he'd been using and moved the pans off the stove. "I'm going to take Kendall up on his offer and hang out with him at the pool. Get to know Jett and that other dude, seems like they're sticking around. You coming?"

"Yeah, in a minute." James answered. "Carlos and I have to talk about something first."

Logan looked between the two for a second before shrugging. "Alright then. See ya in a bit."

James watched Logan walk out the door then to Carlos' curious gaze. "I think it's time to stop this."


End file.
